“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
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