“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
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