“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.