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vitamin d Jokes

vitamin d Jokes and more.
Mushroom Puns
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Funny Winter Quotes
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
Funny Work Quotes
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Travel Puns
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Is It Because I'm Blond?
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No dear, it's because you're 24."
Funny Marriage Quotes
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Fall Puns
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Animal Puns
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Food Pick Up Lines
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Grass Puns
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Fish Puns
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Wind Puns
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Pick Up Lines
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Medical Pick Up Lines
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
Friendship Quotes
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Hard Drive Puns
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
The Missing Wife
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk. Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!" Sergeant: "What is her height?" Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sergeant: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sergeant: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sergeant: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?" Sergeant: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my Jeep." Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?" Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown) The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
The Old Lady and the Bold Question
A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?” The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.” The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?” “Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.” “D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?” “Yes ma’am, one of them does.” “W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Doctor Puns
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Beach Puns
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
The ABCs of Marriage
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!" She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?" "I'm Just Kidding!" (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
Funny Tongue Twisters
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Mermaid Puns
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Orange Puns
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Strawberry Puns
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Diving Puns
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
The New Bible Salesman
Two bible salesmen, Rick and Martin, are going on their regular route when the boss rings them. "Guys," he says, "you two are my best, can you please take my sister's son Andrew with you to try him out? He's got a bit of a stutter but he's a smart boy. I promised her I'd give him a shot." The two reluctantly agree and wait for Andrew. "Wasted day." grunts Martin sadly. "Yep. Gotta help the boss though." says Rick patiently. Once Andrew arrives and, slowly, introduces himself, they are even more dismayed to discover his stutter was quite pronounced. Deciding to make the best of it, they go from door to door with Martin and Rick showing Andrew their sales pitches. After the first couple of hours and a few neighborhoods, they had sold 7 bibles. At the next neighborhood, Andrew shyly asks: "D-d-d you m-m-mind if I t-t-t-t take the nex-x-x-t-t-t one?" The other two exchange embarrassed looks. They both knew how impatient people are. Andrew seemed like a nice boy, and they didn't want his hopes crushed. But there was no help to it. "Well," Rick drawled, "he'll have to learn sooner or later. You take the next one, kid." Andrew asks them to wait for him and he makes his way to the first few houses. After about 15 minutes they spot him making his way back. They are initially glad to see he didn't seem crushed or disappointed, then shocked when he brandishes money for 10 bibles sold. "What in goodness name did you DO, kid?" Martin whispers, staring at the money. “I-I-I t-t-t-told them t-t-t that they c-c-c-could b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible or I-I w-w-w-would r-r-read it t-t-t-to them.” Says Andrew.
Ancient Rome Puns
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Art Puns
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Monster Puns
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Break Up Lines
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
Dinosaur Puns
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Funny Birthday Poems
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Summer Puns
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Lamp Puns
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Curing the Stutter
A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure. He walks into the doctor's office and says: "D D D D Doctor, you've g g g g got to help m m m me, I'll d d do anyth th th th thing." The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem.... "Your genitals are massive, and it's causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you'd like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today." "D D D D Do it!" So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It's a complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery. The next day, the man returns to the doctor's surgery. "Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I'm completely cured and most of all I'm very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery." The doctor replies: "N N N N N N No Refunds!"
Drugstore Pick Up Lines
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Dolphin Puns
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Juice Puns
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
The Last Lifeline
Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money. Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest? A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo" Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy. Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo - 100%.' Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy. Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him 'How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!' 'Bobby you're idiot," Said Billy, "What an easy question! He lives in a bloody clock, right?"
The Right Gear for the Occasion
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Garden Quotes
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Penguin Puns
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
The Pharmacy List
Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-" Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-" Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?" "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
An Old Canadian in Paris
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show it to."
Deer Puns
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Meat Puns
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Storm Puns
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.