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Where Should We Go For Our Birthday?

Four women share a birthday and always celebrate it together. For their 30th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants. For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list. For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's quiet and has a nice view. For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because it's wheelchair accessible. For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before!

Train Puns

Fly Puns

Engineering Puns

Heart Puns

Oral Hygiene Puns

The Pharmacy List

Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-" Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-" Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?" "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."

Animal Pick Up Lines

Grocery Store Pick Up Lines

What Your Husband Needs

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow. The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?' 'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have book club.'

Real Estate Puns

Rock Puns

Tea Puns

Phone Puns

Crocodile Puns

Christian Pick Up Lines

Joe in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it won't be that bad then." joe replies. "Joe, that's the hottest level," says the gatekeeper in a pained expression, "because heat rises. You'd know that if you had studied for your test."

Spain Puns

Anti Jokes

The Tax Return Form

A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question. One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents. A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.” In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.” In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”

The Difference Between the Economies

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SOCIALISM The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away. VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Pick Up Lines

Chemistry Puns

Chuck Norris Jokes

Quotes

Spotify Pick Up Lines

Winter Puns

Monster Puns

God and the Lazy Pigs

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the other one says, "Nah, who wants to be courageous? You have to strut around, humans will start hunting you, it's a huge pain. Let's wait." The lions speak up and take the courage. "Next up, industrious! Who wants to be known for being industrious?" The pig says, "Hey, we could definitely be that. Make stuff, stay busy, it sounds good!" The other pig says, "Are you crazy? Get up at dawn, work all day, who wants that? I'm sure God saved the best for last." The beavers pipe up and take industriousness, so God goes back to his list. "Next up, we have wings, who wants to fly?" The first pig says: "Wow, we've got to get THAT one! We could fly all day?" The second pig says: "Exactly, fly around all day, beat your wings all the time? That sounds exhausting, you'd have to fly for hours beating your wings like mad to stay aloft. No thank you! Let's wait for the really good stuff." God looks at his list, getting to the end. "Let's see, claws are taken, flight went to the birds, the cheetah got speed... Okay, here we go. Who wants to be delicious?"

Puns

Couch Puns

Funny Poems For Kids

Ketchup Puns

Phone Number Pick Up Lines

The Hit List

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died. A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

What Computer Acronyms Really Mean

People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms, so here's a list: WWW World Wide Wait COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis DOS Defective Operating System OS/2 Obsolete Soon 2 BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft SAP Slow And Painful BSDO Blue Screen of Death Google Gradually Overcoming Our Ghastly Legal Environment Yahoo You Always Have Other Options

The Engineers and the Busted Car

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Hand Puns

History Pick Up Lines

Funny Love Poems

The Firefighting Hero

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm rang in all surrounding fire departments. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station that could bring out the company's secret files. But the firefighters still couldn't get through. From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that small run-down fire engine roared right past all the new sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds. He walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you planning to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

Funny Birthday Poems

Chocolate Puns

Garden Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

4th of July Pick Up Lines

The Berkowitz Baby

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz, and he was at work when his wife called in panic - she was ready to give birth! He hurried to the hospital as quickly as he could, marveling that his son, Charles, is about to be born. One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labor. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital. He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door [BEAUTIFUL BABIES] Excitedly he rushed in, "I want to see my son!" The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looked at the list and said, "sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall." Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign [Beautiful Babies] Alright, "My son will have a pretty easy life looking handsome." He thought and walked in. "I want to see my son." "Name, please." "Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and says, "sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall." So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign [Ugly Babies] "That's alright." He thought. "Looks don't matter." He walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall." Dejected... the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door - [Very Ugly Babies] "It doesn't matter what he looks like." He thinks to himself. "I'll love him no matter what." He walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz" The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall." He was getting really worried now... He walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it that says... [Charles Berkowitz]

Funny Money Quotes

Good Morning Quotes

Funny Work Quotes

Employment Conditions at The Ranch

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board." "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. "He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent. "That would be me." replied the rancher.

Tax Quotes

Boat Puns

The Joys of Being Over 70

There are some unexpected joys about being on the other side of 70, for example... Kidnappers aren't very interested in you. In a hostage situation, you will probably be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. Or run at all. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You get into a heated argument about pension claims. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won’t get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. And you may not remember who sent you this list.

Living the Dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked. "I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?" Oliver puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either. And the action! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting laid consistently. Every single day." Jake couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Oliver living the good life for the past 20 years. The two friends parted after lunch. Later that night Jake was having dinner with his family when the phone rang. "Excuse me, is this Jake?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Jake replied. "I'm trying to track down Oliver. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued. "Okay"... Jake asked confused "Can I ask who this is?" "This is Oliver's parole officer."

Birthday Jokes

Saxophone Puns