What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.