What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.