What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.