Alive Jokes

What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
The British, the Camel and the Meal
The British, the Camel and the Meal Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry. Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead. The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry" The three men all nodded. "I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel. I'll share it with you" The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this? Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have." So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool." So he got the liver "I support Hartlepool." said the second man. So he got the heart. The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
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