"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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