“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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