“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
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