"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
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