"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
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