"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
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