"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
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