“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"I don't tan. I burn"
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