“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
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