Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
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