“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
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