"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
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