“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
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