"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
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