“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Monday should be optional.”
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
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