"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
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