“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
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