“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Go to BabaMail
