“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
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