“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Monday should be optional.”
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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