“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
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