"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
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