“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
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