“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
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