"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
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