“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
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