“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
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