"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
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