"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
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