“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
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