“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams