“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman