“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
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