“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
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