"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
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