“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
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