"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
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