“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
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