“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
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