"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
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