"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
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