“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
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