“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
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