"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
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