“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
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