“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
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