“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger