"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
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