“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Go to BabaMail
