The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
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