"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
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