“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
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