“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
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