“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Monday should be optional.”
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
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