“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
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