“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
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