"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
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