"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Monday should be optional.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
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