"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
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