"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
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