"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
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