“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
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